As I stared at the brilliant, faceted stone on my finger, I felt that familiar ache in my belly. My mind had begun war within itself. I found myself looking full face into the eyes of fear just minutes after telling God I trusted Him.
I’ve been carrying a heavy load on my shoulders for over six months. That load held my financial burdens, my health issues and a great fear with two annoying words attached, “what if?” But, in my moments of doubts and fears, there was a paradox: though I felt so all alone in my messed up crazy mindset, I wasn’t alone or so the Bible told me so. This is where insanity kicked in.
I’m the type of person who is constantly doing reality checks and in one minute I’m pouring my heart out to God when fear launches itself into my mind and the next, I’m confident and at peace that God has got this. It’s like my mind is on some kind of acid trip or it has a vicious case of bi-polar on steroids. The struggle is definitely real. I often feel like I’m the referee and my contenders are always faith and fear. I see myself standing between the two trying to keep the one from attacking the other. It’s enough to make anyone crazy!
So, while staring at that ring on my finger as I lay in bed sick with pneumonia, left brain and right brain hashing it out, insanity sitting on her pinnacle, I wondered. I stared and I wondered about how messed up can a human really become. My thoughts swarming with chaos and voices screaming in both ears, “you’re going to make it” “you’re not going to make it!” All of this accompanied by another voice, “it doesn’t have to be this way, you could end all of the madness right now and never worry again.” I’m not sure if that qualifies me as suicidal and I choose to say I’m not suicidal because I know I could never pull it off. But still, that one voice I believe the majority of us encounter, you know the one where you too hear those same words,” you could end all of the madness right now…”
But….. somewhere in the grueling mess of my mental struggle, there’s another voice. It’s kind. It’s soft and peaceful. It doesn’t scream out at me. It whispers and is calming. It’s God! He reminds me to cast all of my fears, struggles and contenders on His shoulders. He reminds me that the battle isn’t mine to let Him have it. I always wind up apologizing to God for doing exactly what He tells me not to do over and over again in His word. DO NOT FEAR!
Tonight, that war was raging in my head. It felt like a searing wilderness and the land of promise strategically placed side by side and all I had to do was make a choice to decide which side I wanted to be standing on. The battle was breaking me to the point I started questioning the almighty one. You know. Questions like, “where are you in all of this God?” “Why are you allowing this to happen when you know I want so badly to just trust and believe?” His answer? There wasn’t one!
In my moment of collision, I’m reminded that fear is not of God. I’m also reminded that it only takes a little faith, you know, a little dab will do you kind of faith? It’s a choice we are given. Who and what are we going to believe? In my moment of chaos, I cried out to God to please calm my inner storm more like an inner violent hurricane and just give me some kind of something, anything, a sign, just something to let me know He’s listening. Then, I open my Bible app on my phone and there was my peace card. A sign. My favorite Bible verse in big print jumping out at me. “But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:13
My sovereign Lord. He measures waters in the palm of his hand and holds dust of the earth in a basket and even weighs mountains on the scales. He knows the number of hairs on my head and even knows every tit and tat that finds it’s way into my crazy brain. After all, He did create me and promised me and you, He would never leave us nor forsake us even when we beg to differ. It’s up to us! It’s our decision to make that choice. Faith or Fear…. Trust me, you can’t have both going on, that’s insanity! It’s my belief, that it’s not a one time choice. We have to decide every single day upon awakening how it’s going to be. I’m learning this on my journey in my crazy messed up world.
From my heart to yours, don’t settle for crazy! Don’t allow fear a very ugly, vicious contender to sabotage your world. It will!
By Jane Hardin