The news wasn’t exactly what I was expecting today but knew eventually it would come. I had been telling myself to prepare, but also could not let go of my hope that it would last a little bit longer.
The new year, 2018, is upon us. Only two days away. Today, I learned my job will end in February of this new year rolling in. I was the only employee called in to be told the news face to face. The other girls were sent texts which I felt was incredibly sad feeling they too deserved to be told in person.
I came back home feeling kind of numb, yet relieved. Just this morning, I committed my day and everything in it to God. You see, I’m learning to trust. My trust issues have been one for the books and it has proven to be a sloppy area in my life. I suppose God doesn’t like sloppy and now it’s sink or swim.
I sit on my sofa all noise blocked out and I whisper to my Heavenly Father. There are moments I don’t know what to say, then other moments I remind myself out loud that I made a commitment to God to give each day and comitt everything in it to Him. But, that familiar battle begins in my mind. That inner struggle. Tears swell, then overflow. I catch myself falling, regressing back to a past I have tried to escape for so long.
For a moment, I close my eyes and there I am. Alone on a boat, on an angry raging sea. I feel fear begin to rear it’s ugly head but I tell it not this time! No more! Then out of the darkness, a hand reaches toward me and I hear His words softly and tenderly, “take my hand and wade out with me. Not in the safety zone, but where the waters are deep.” I didn’t waste time taking His hand. I felt peace surge through my being.
Yes, it was a moment of imagination but only because I immediately thought of Christ’s followers on their mission at sea one night when they became faithless and fearful as a monstrous storm found them. Jesus came to them saying “do not be afraid.” Jesus reached His hand out and told his follower, Peter, to leave the safety of the boat and walk with Him on water. Peter did! But quickly took His eyes off of his safety net, Jesus Christ, and fear began to sink him.
As for me, I’m tired of sinking. I want and need a brand new start. I don’t want to look back in my past moments and relive those fears. I’ll only look back to look at what God saved me from. I will take His hand now and step out of the boat. Many claim the boat is the safety net, but God tells me to take His hand and not depend on what I think I know, but rather believe and trust in what His plans for my future are and it certainly doesn’t involve a boat on an angry sea….
By Jane Hardin