This journey is full of ups and downs. Inner struggles and nettlesome stings of hopelessness and fears digging deeper into its comfort in my mind. My eyes tire from an unchanging path and that old friend, depression is knocking at the door. I choose each morning to comitt my life and my day to God, that part is easy, it’s the actual getting through the day without a battle and today was not an exception.
My morning started great. I chased a rising sun while admiring a super moon still hanging in view from a frozen wintry sky. When I got to work, I noticed there was a huge cloud in the shape of a pure white feather. It hung there just for me. I took a picture of it feeling that perhaps my angel left it behind reminding me I’m always guarded. Little did I know God was preparing me for front line duty this very day.
Somewhere along the way, my peace began to drain and before I knew it, I was plunged into battle being the target every enemy of mine was aiming for. I panicked and ran from underneath the wings of my Father God. I felt I had to take matters into my own hands. I couldn’t grasp any common sense whatsoever. The voices were interrogating me, demanding me and pushing me to do as they say. It was more than I could bear. My trust in God went flying out the door and I honestly felt it was my duty to start acting according to my own will. I did!
I tried to do things my way, but it didn’t work. Weapons of destruction had formed against me, but even with all of my effort being placed at my will, those weapons didn’t prosper. They didn’t work! You see, that moment we earnestly wait for God to do something and we don’t see the evidence according to how we think it is to go, we feel we have to start implementing the plan as we think it should be done. Yes, we said we trusted God. We told Him we did, but when it came to words being said and meaning them, those abstract ideas became our defining moment, yeah, we figured it out and we called it God’s plan for us. But….. that’s not how it works.
I love the story of the woman with an issue. Believe me, it was definitely an issue no woman would want to deal with. Just maybe, all of those years of struggling with this problem that held her prisoner in her own body, she might have said those words, “I have faith and trust in God. ” But to truly have faith and trust in the almighty, one must demonstrate it. In her heart something powerful sprang forth a burning desire that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not hold her back from acting on it. She said,” if I could just touch his clothes, I know I will be made whole and clean.” She didn’t stop there. She made her way through the madness, through the fears, through the doubts and voices telling her she couldn’t and she crawled her way through the crowd and touched the very garment Jesus was wearing. That’s faith! It’s more than just the ceremony of words being said. It means you will be pressed, stretched, pulled and your faith will be tested. Are you ready for that? Is it worth it to you?
By nighttime, I was drained physically from my hard core efforts of worrying. I was mentally stressed from trying to figure it out on my own. I broke down and cried. I felt defeated and my giant had beat the living daylight out of me. I then realized, I had just went through a warfare of faith and fear. I went outside to get fresh air. I checked the mail, and inside the mailbox was a little pamphlet from Billy Graham. And the words written on the cover said, “Be still and know that I am God.” That was a major confirmation that I needed at that exact moment.
God was telling me the battle isn’t mine……God was telling me to rest on his promises….That my friend takes an act of faith especially when your world has flipped upside down and the only way out IS an act of God. After reading those assuring words, I felt calm. I felt the safety and comfort of God’s perfect and pure white feathers embracing me and hiding me under the shadow of His wing. Do I think the cloud feather was a coincidence? Absolutely not for I don’t believe in coincidence. Do I feel finding that booklet from Billy Graham on this exact day with the exact words I needed to calm my storm a coincidence? Absolutely not!
As I write these words, I feel peace inside. I may have to struggle again tomorrow and fight my way through my inner battles but in my heart, I know that I know that God is working on me and this faith thing and He will shine through my very darkness….
By Jane Hardin