It’s been a while since I’ve written about my stormy journey. It’s been a time for reflecting, trusting and still holding on. The winds have been turbulent and I must say, I’ve almost given up. I’ve almost thrown in the towel for the last time. Yes, thoughts of suicide have tried to edge its way into my mind with a convincing story of how much easier it would be just to end life as it is.
Now, here I stand. In the eye. Still holding on. It’s eerie. Even the silence is deafening at times. I look all around me thinking how calm it is but realizing it’s a false calm. It just doesn’t feel right and I know it’s not over and there’s moe turbulence to come. I don’t think I have ever been through anything like this before. I really don’t want to be here and I’m scared. I would call this monster a category five for sure. As I say what I’m about to say, my tears are overflowing their boundaries right now.
But…….. Everything around me feels like death. Believe me, I know a lot about death, I’ve been knocked down several times by its presence. It’s almost haunting and everywhere I go, it feels like death! There’s a waning feeling all around and I can’t seem to escape. I’m almost certain depression has entered the scene. I have tried to talk to God only sometimes I lose my thought as my mind dwells on the current. That’s when my tears take over and speak for me. I keep reminding God when it’s possible to talk to Him, that He promised never to leave me nor forsake me. I even remind Him how He has constantly and softly spoken to me saying to be still and watch His glory or not be troubled and do not be afraid. In fact, I’ve heard it so much that I want to grab my head and scream, “where are you God. Where are you?” (I wonder if Job might have entertained the same question.)
This is where I am now. In the eye. I understand we all want to read stories of those who have encountered storms much like the one you may be going through and read about the happy ending, but sometimes, you might need to read about someone’s struggles during the storm. I can’t honestly tell you that my faith has been bulldog strong and has never wavered. It’s been all over the place and many times have collided with my fears. But, in my heart, I know who God is and I know He will not lie! He cannot lie!
In saying all of this, I’m not turning back. I’m not giving up. I’m still holding on tight for a miracle. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and drained of life itself, so my only hope and source of help IS my Father God and I hope to bring you an ending soon that will describe my newest desire which is to be able to dance before my King! But for now, I’m still here…. Waiting!
By Jane Hardin