Dying To Live

This is a story of my own encounter and revelation. Many have heard a tit and a tat of my experience but not the entirety of the narrative. Just within the past 72 hours have I come into realization like I have never known. You see, I am no stranger to test, trials and tribulations, but my perfect storm came suddenly and without warning. There was no forecast to even so much as hint to what I was about to endure and life would never be the same again.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made and just like you, I have a patent on my life. I am a trademark, my DNA is mine exclusively. I’m unique in a different way and for a different reason and have been given gifts that at times I wish I didn’t have but I suppose God found it suitable for me to be entrusted with them just like you and your gifts. Just recently, God made it clear to me that I needed to circle back to my identity in Him. During my storm, I completely lost my identity when I lost everything I owned including my mind. During this time, I almost lost my life as well in a car accident that should have taken me from this world but God had another plan and many lessons that needed to be learned.

On December 28th, 2017 the storm rolled in taking with it everything I identified with when I was told my job would soon come to an end. In January of 2018, depression made it’s way into my being and it was a very deep and dark place that held me hostage for almost two years. I lived with headaches, dizziness, fatigue physical and emotional. I suffered chest pain constantly and developed breathing problems to the point I had to tell myself to breathe. I suffered stomach and digestive issues and sleep was nowhere to be found. I even became hypocritical trying to pretend to be positive on social media all while I was a dead woman walking. My depression became so bleak I didn’t realize all my symptoms were PTSD related. But to to tell you I felt dead is an understatement!

When I look back, I see myself existing. There was no life and I had become a recluse and found comfort in my aloneness. Those that were close to me other than my two sons, seemed to disappear and in my heart I felt no one cared not even God. As I sit here still looking back, all I can see is a blur. There are no memories! No good, no bad just a lifeless house of clay existing. Mid part of 2018, I thought I had been rescued from the pit I was in. The ultimate scenario that would change my life for the better came along and gave me a moment of hope that I knew in my heart came from God above but it vanished as quickly as it came sending me further into my demise. I began to talk to God about my death. “I’m dead God! There is no life in me. What good am I to anyone here, I’m certainly no good to myself. I breathe but only when told to do so why not just take me home? What good can come from a broken vessel like me? I’m not fixable, I cannot be repaired!” Dottie Rambo wrote a song many years ago that fit my description to a tee; “this house of clay, is but a prison, bars of bone hold my soul.”

Just hours ago, my mindset began to shift and the revelation that changed my perception totally has brought with it a peace that well passes my understanding and joy has sprouted within me. During my time in my storm, I was certain my end had come, but little did I realize God wasn’t playing a trick on me nor was he playing games and using me as His pawn. The death I felt was indeed a death! God never had planned to lead me to a dead place and leave me there, in fact, it was a place of my new beginning but it was the place he planted me in the soil of life. To know God is to know that He is all about sowing and reaping. Everything is a seed and if you have any knowledge about gardening, you know that seeds are meant to be covered to die.

God saw in me what I could not see, therefore, he planted me not buried me! It wasn’t enjoyable being under that soil. He had me where I could not run as I tried to keep alive things in my past that were only hindrances, things that stunted my growth and kept me prisoner in a stale lifestyle. He did not condemn me to a graveyard which is what it felt like, but He planted me in richer soil for greater fruit. It has been a refining process in my life to say the least. I heard a pastor once say, “to keep a seed from being planted is to condemn that seed to never realize its full potential” which is why its a fact that seeds are meant to be covered to die and after I realized that God was giving me a new beginning, a new life, something sprang up inside me since that revelation was given to me, all that I went through matters no more. I now have an understanding of a bigger picture that is being laid out to me.

After I was given this revelation by God, someone sent me an email that was prophetic to what God was doing in my life. In the words before me was a clear dynamic of things to come. The person prophesying said unequivocally that I was now in transition after God was removing old patterns and methods, my old ways of doing things and ways of thinking. He continued to tell me; ” God is removing you from old assignments and mantles, severing old ties and cycles. I see him healing old wounds that you’ve carried all of your life and the trauma you have lived with then and now. God is installing a new identity, awakening new authority and preparing you for the promised land and “new thing” you have known was coming. You will wave goodbye to past limitations and begin to walk in new freedom and authority you have never known. You will walk in new anointing, mantle and sphere of influence where you will step into your office and begin to function in your new role, operate, dream and think differently. The dead season is over! “

I don’t have to tell you that those chains that had me bound fell from me! My exile had come to a halt! He continued telling me; ” You are receiving your new wings for your new season. In Isaiah 40:31 ( which is my life verse. How fitting is that?) it says, ” But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.’ You have been weary for a long time. You have been lifeless but now you have entered a new season where God is refreshing your mind, body and soul and giving you new wings to fly. When Monarch Butterflies migrate they actually grow bigger wings in the process. What looks like it should wear them down only increases their size. In the same way, God is using this migrating season to increase and enlarge you in ways you’ve never known or imagined. You have only known the weariness but not the soaring, the battling but not the breakthrough. However, now God is not only migrating you in the natural but He is migrating you in the spirit to a higher altitude.”

I never understood for a single minute that I was dying to live! But I fully embrace my new path and my soul now longs to soar on wings like eagles. I wanted so badly to believe in my past there that was something so much greater than I was seeing, but my imprisonment to my past only allowed me a very dim light. I wrote a poem in 2013 that I will close this blog with. But before I do, I want to invite you to come and invite Christ into your life and allow Him to lead you in paths of righteousness. Open the Bible and your heart and let His word be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path. His word is truth! And you cannot go wrong with Christ center and head over your dominion. It doesn’t mean life will be perfect but it will be life-giving and peace, goodness and mercies shall follow you all the days of your life…

"Breath of morn lift your veil, reveal the kiss of dew,
Wash my tears, invade my pain, bequeath my heart renew.
Drift me to the place I seek, concede my path before me,
'Tis time that holds the purpose, pervading all human destiny."

by Jane Hardin December 16th, 2013

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