Last night was the first night in weeks I sang karaoke due to upper respiratory issues. If you know me, you know I love to sing but I’m no singer, I certainly don’t claim to be but I think I do good to carry a tune in a bucket and that’s paramount. (laughing here)
This blog isn’t about singing, it’s about a thought I found myself contemplating while singing Nat King Cole’s, “When I Fall In Love.” At my age, my years or days are numbered and the second half of my life is flying by and with all the peacefulness and serenity I’m suppose to enjoy in this second phase, I find myself still battling depression and debating that big elephant in the room called “death!” No, I’m not afraid to die, but while saying that, I’m also not ready for my final breath.
While contemplating peace and serenity, I also contemplated the “L” word, LOVE! I’ve always been a die hard romantic, you can find that in my poetry, it’a another shade of me that I don’t expound upon for the most part it’s because I really don’t think I have experienced it. I thought I had but like most of the returns I received, they were superficial almost comedic like relationships always leaving me to wonder what true love really is.
They say romantic horizons shrink when we age, and people settle for what is possible ignoring the desirable and precisely this is what people compromise in latter years. But in my mind, I still wonder what it must feel like to truly be in love with someone and to be able to express myself the way my heart longs to. I long to have my True North and if my legacy existed on a single wall, I think that’s what you would read about. I’ve always had my own idea of what true romance is, a more than a feeling experience, a deep encounter that you can only be experienced, not explained! Some have referred to me as a “wordsmith” when it comes to my poetry and maybe it’s my hand print in life because I can define through the written word what my heart longs for.
My True North is more than a memory I wish to have, it’s my narrative I long to tell as those common threads weave together the lacking inside my soul. I’ve been close, but I’ve been disappointed as well but to understand my life story you have to embrace all of it, the good and the bad. I’ve seen good, but for the most part I’ve seen the bad. I’ve tried to find my True North in the eyes of those who said they loved me, but intuition told a different story and how right intuition always was and is! I suppose my inner gut could be my True North so-to -speak, always warning me that something isn’t right. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t blessed in that area, but then again, it has saved me many times.
But as life would have it, here I am writing about it rather than living it. However, deep down inside I still have it, and maybe, just maybe someday it won’t go to waste after all. In the receptacles of my thoughts, I see myself carrying this untamed longing to my grave and in actuality, it might just be a “it is what it is” reality and if so, then so be it. But no one can take away what resides deep within my walls. I have so much to offer and to give but not to someone who is so willing to play “roulette” with every female that comes along. And, if you were to ask me, that’s the story you would get, the only narrative I know, the one where I tell you, “it could have been me, but I’m not the only one on his list” story.
I’m not sad or dismayed today, it’s a thought I wandered into last night while belting out,” when I fall in love, it will be completely. Or I’ll never give my heart. And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too, is when I fall in love with you.” Indeed, our True North is when we know the other feels the same as we do without compromise and with all the trust that I’m sure must exist. That True North that doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re the second choice, or the last resort, you know, the go-to in case things don’t work out with the secrets you happen to know about….If you haven’t found your True North, never say never!!!