“The world is dark and on edge and we seem to be a button away from annihilation. The world is very angry and for good reason and everyone is searching from their despaired lives for a miracle as hope continues to diminish. Father God, where are you? Please come to our rescue before the unthinkable happens…” This was my prayer before slipping off into my dream world two nights ago, but approximately two o’clock in the morning I was awakened by the voice.
I opened my eyes a bit startled, searching the room for the man who was calling my name, but no one was there. Suddenly, I heard him again, this time he did not call my name and the urgency coming from his tone grabbed my attention as I heard him say, “pray.” Then he repeated himself three times, very quickly as if it was a matter of life and death, “pray, pray, pray right now,” I knew then it was God! I began to question Him asking what did I need to pray about? He did not answer and with that, I got up, grabbed my Bible then started walking the floors not knowing what to pray about and immediately, I felt in my spirit that I needed to pray for strength. If you read my last blog you know I have been through hell and high water and from all that trauma I have been tender inside from all the brokenness. I definitely needed all the strength I could get.
After spending about an hour walking the floor, talking to God and asking Him to give me strength, I got back into my bed and fell fast asleep. I slept so hard and so long, I didn’t hear my son’s voice trying to wake me. When I finally cleared the blur in my eyes, I looked at the clock and it was noon. I have never slept that long and that alone upset me, but when I looked at my son who had a shaded expression etched across his face, a suit of somber if you will, I asked, “what’s wrong son?” He was very careful with his words when he said, ” mom I have some bad news.” I just laid there starring at him shaking my head letting him know I could not handle another blow in my life but it was too late, the tears already began to rain down my face and I braced myself:
I felt my heart speed up and the wringing of my hands told my son I was not up for this. He just stared at me and I knew he didn’t know what to do so I whispered to myself, “strength dear God. You told me to pray for strength.” I looked at my son and with a shaky voice I told him to tell me the news. He did! Very carefully he told me that my stepmother had died and all I could do was shake my head no. But that wasn’t all the news he needed to tell me, there was more. He continued to reiterate the problems his dad, my ex husband, was trying to stir up as he wanted so desperately to see me go to my grave. He is an evil man and so is his wife. I won’t go into details but the news was incredibly jarring and needless to say, my world flipped upside down. I felt my body’s defenses take effect and my response was nothing more that stress taking over. At this point, it was fight or flight.
My blood pressure shot up to dangerous levels and I swore my son could hear my heart beating out of my chest. I felt millions of butterflies in my stomach and a sudden urge to get to the bathroom to throw up. I sat in the floor by the toilet shadowed by shock and denial, then came the anger. I cried out to God reminding Him that He promised never to put on us more than we could handle. Haven’t I been through enough hell? I cannot even catch my breath, Lord. I cried! I cried so hard that it made me sore in my abdomen as if I had done a rigorous workout. I managed to pull myself up off the floor while my coping mechanisms began to kick in. I began to shut out my feelings and all those deficits of emotional responses became my front-line defenders. I had totally shut down! I felt nothing but numb, comfortably numb as Pink Floyd sung about. “A distant ship smoke on the horizon, you are only coming through in waves…” Yes, that was me and for the rest of the day I moped about saying nothing. I couldn’t. There were no words. I could not think. I could not eat nor drink. I had just officially been emptied of any emotions whatsoever. The only thing I felt was NOTHING!
Last night, after binge watching Escape To The Chateau, I finally laid down. I remember telling God from inside my spirit, please don’t let me wake up, I want to come home. Please let me come home I can’t do this anymore, I have no more life left in me.
At two o’clock in the morning, I heard my name being called yet again. My first thought was, this is it, God is bringing me home. I opened my eyes only to be disappointed that I was still where I was when I fell asleep earlier. This time, Milo, my youngest son’s dog was laying on my lap starring at me. I kind of chuckled and said, “Milo was that you calling my name?” I could have sworn I saw his eyes roll back in his head as if he knew I was going to say something only a dork would say. But at that exact moment, I heard that voice again. His voice. I knew it was God, the Bible says “His sheep knows His voice.” He begin to put in my spirit these words:
“You have gone through a season of loss, more than most can handle. You don’t realize it yet, but you will rise up armed with strength that I am putting on and in you. What you have lost this season, I will replace with something new and better. Out of this you will also receive a new identity and purpose. You are going to experience many miracles which you know not. I have been with you when you passed through the waters and they did not sweep over you nor take you under. I have walked through the fire with you and you were not burned, the flames did not set you ablaze. I was there with you through your many losses, I spared your life on that mountain and I spared your life through illness and choking. I spared your life in that automobile accident. I was also with you in your most traumatic innocent years, and I was there when you were betrayed. I was there when your heart was broken from the one who was full of lustful desires for someone else yet wanted to make you feel as if it was your fault, I was there nothing is secret from me for I know every heart, and nothing is said or done that I do not hear and see.
This is the time for you to fight and not be complacent. You will overcome and possess the spoils of the enemy. Your faith is your fight! And over the past four years, I have been growing your faith, stretching you and bringing you into alignment with what I have in store for you. The line has been drawn and you will stand and fight and contend for the cause of Christ and you will see complete victory! Your enemies will take a back seat as I am already putting guilt and shame in their hearts. I will prepare a table before you in the presence of those who have wronged you. I have a time of supernatural harvest, joy and happiness, no more weeping with a fresh anointing coming upon you and those who serve me with their whole hearts and who do not allow sin to rule their lives. I am going to restore what Satan has taken from you just like I did for my servant Job. Those dreams you have been carrying in your heart, I put them there because I love you and when I restore I will add value you will not only experience restoration of what has been taken from you but I will add value to your recovery. Get ready for recovery and acceleration, for I am your God, your Creator and my love for you is like a hurricane. Rise up my daughter from your ashes and live.”
After this encounter with God last night, everything is changing within me. I feel the healing taking place and I smile even laugh out loud with joy and anticipation of what my Father is doing and is going to do. I love His voice in the dark and the ways He speaks to me. All glory and praise belong to you, my Lord, my God!