Just Breathe

Somewhere down inside of me there is still a rock-n-roll fantasy and today, I am feeling a bit nostalgia as I load up on some Def Leppard tunes. I opened my eyes this morning from a few hours of sleep with “Hysteria” forcing my ears to want more. Naively, I claim to myself that today I will be strong but quickly realize I am a failure in that department, thus my little tale begins….

This year is finally coming to an end and I am more than happy to accept that reality. I thought 2020 was one for the books, but 2021 made it bow down to her unfavorable events. The first half of the year started off with a bang as I dared to brave and embrace change in the form of allowing my hair to do its own dance. The dance was embracing the silver lining that was taking over my dark hair. For several years I fought that gray beast and Miss Clairol and I became a thing. But, I woke up one morning and found myself determined to accept those wisdom highlights and it so happened that it made me feel ever so extremely wise and off to the beauty salon I went to have my long dark hair chopped off to shorten my metamorphosis. Today, I am still loyal to my decision. There have been moments I have been tempted to go back to my long lost friend (Miss Clairol) but I have learned something about myself, I am good at retraction!

In June, my unemployment benefits came to a halt and I finally found a job only to become very sick in August with double pneumonia that was accompanied with Covid. My body began to shut down and death was lurking around the corner. I battled blood clots, severe dehydration and a cough that wound up disturbing nerve endings in my throat. For the longest, I could not talk and my doctor told me that it would take months to heal from that. I was also gracefully informed that I had long haulers symptoms that would also take months to get over. Not quite the outcome I was hoping for but I did survive! During the early stages of covid, my life began to fall apart. I lost my job that I fought so hard to get especially at my age. I could not even afford the medication needed to survive the brute that interrupted my life. Before I knew what hit me, I was facing homelessness which became reality. I lost everything including my car I was living in. I lost my cats which ripped my heart out, but they are fine as they have a good home until I can get back on my feet. I lost all of my art supplies which kept me sane since 2020 and ended up with absolutely nothing including my will to live.

So many events one right after the other slapped me in the face as if they were lined up awaiting their crowning moment. When I thought it was safe to breathe along came another punch. I honestly felt I was losing my mind. I kept that ole question close, “how can this be happening to me”? I have worked hard all of my life, have a good education and now, nothing to show for it. It’s enough to make anyone consider that dreadful alternative to life and therefore I secretly began to entertain those thoughts of my exit from here. But somewhere, somehow, God intervened and because of His love and compassion, I live today.

Even though I am learning to rise from my pit of ashes, I still feel life slapping me around. Yesterday, I was knocked down on a whim of trying to find out what the love of my life was up to since he last told me to go to hell which was a little over three weeks ago. For 10 years we have history most of it behind a keyboard being that we have a great big pond and 4,000 miles between us, but along the way, I developed this uninhibited overflowing affection, a feeling of being enraptured and utterly in love, but I had to wield that love many times rather than unleash it which was what I longed for. Yesterday was no exception. After three weeks of break-up, I ventured over to his Facebook wall only to see his profile pic with another woman and his status updated to “in a relationship.” If you want to talk about a blow below the belt, there you have it! Many questions filled my mind and a need to breathe. Just breathe, Jane, breathe.

I found myself crawling through the darkest chambers of my mind fighting back tears that were bursting through my emotions. This slap in the face felt like finality and of course, it is final and with all the fire and love I had inside for my “forever” and my “happy ever after” I realized it was time to let go. Letting go is never easy for anyone especially when that someone crosses your mind every single day for an entire decade, a constant not to be reckoned with especially in my crazy, wild, somewhat untamed yet tamed messed up mind. So, in my quest to find somewhat of a bit of thread to cling too, songs began to pour into my soul. Musicians are notorious for this and I am no exception. Out of the blue, those lyrics began to roll off my lips, ” out of touch, out of reach, yeah you could try to get closer to me. I’m in luck, I’m in deep, yeah hypnotized, I’m shaking to my knees…” I shake myself out of that moment telling self, “what are you thinking you dork, get a grip and let it go!” For hours while begging to fall asleep, I found myself caught up in the early years of our relationship where love was brutal, beautiful, never-ending, always ending, the soul-mate that knew my every desire and I knew everything about him until finally, I slipped into slumber.

Upon awakening this morning, the song Hysteria by Def Leppard was in full force in my head and therefore I felt somewhat renewed. No tears soaking my face, no need to check on the new relationship status or the happy faces adorning the couple in the photos. I could breathe and I felt like having a rock-n-roll kind-of-day in honor of my now ex rock-n-roll fantasy which is what I called my love being that he was a drummer for an 80’s rock band for years. Yeah, my rock-in-roll fantasy… There is no rhyme nor reason as to why certain songs show up when they do but there is no doubt about it, I’ve always been a huge Def Leppard fan as I totally love their music and I get it! So in retrospect, I am letting my hair down and gearing up for new plans for the rest of my days on this planet. I do not know where I am going from here, but England is definitely marked off the list now and searching for a new love? No way! Not me! I cannot just toss 10 years of history to the wind and say, “here I am guys, back on the market.” For me, those days are over. But I will find a new adventure and will move forward with what little dignity I have left and I know in my heart God has something bigger and better and I smile and wish the ex and his new love the best. No, really I do. Life is fragile in so many aspects it includes, and all we need to do is just breathe…….if you find true love, fight tooth and nail for it and stay true and loyal giving it all you’ve got.

JH

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