Death By Love

This is one of my poems, a brief prose narrative, written three years ago on this date, January 14th, 2019.

White wings fraught with cold black fate
the breath of wind howls a song of late.
Her soul longs to voyage through the light
from love slain by the thief of bitter night.

Love promised truth and etched upon the heart
broken now by lies, grey walks bare dispart.
Burdened and crowned with sorrow’s despair
time and chance seared from hope and prayer.

The rose she yearned but the thorn not spared
and the same wind sang hearts withering fare.
Love’s hand loosened and let slip the reigns
while the thorn pierced harshly and love bled pain.

His welding iron the tongue of death he played
luring lies, burning anger sent love to it’s grave.
Once was light against a world dark and void
but the wind blew strong, love and trust destroyed.

by Jane Hardin

Shackles Of The Darkness

This is a letter, perhaps a revelation to my scattered brothers and sisters who like me, thought we were as good as dead. We have felt like we had truly lost ourselves in the past few years especially since 2021. We’ve had many hardships to endure and battles to fight, and a hard truth that if we didn’t keep our heads on straight we would never survive. Then for many of us a time where death wanted to claim our very lives or where death did claim the life of our loved one and it was feeling like a vicious cycle that we could not free ourselves from. I’ll do my best to put into words through fragmentary thoughts and truths the experience I had early this morning. In retrospect, God has had me plastered against the potter’s wheel for four years now, remolding, reshaping, rebuilding that which He desires me to be. It’s not been easy at all. There have been times I prayed for death in it’s reality rather than just mere words. In fact, I reached a point in my life just very recently where I cried out to God, ” I feel like a part of me has died, I feel like I have died inside, Lord this pain inside me is overwhelming and I am exhausted!”

This morning, I received a prophecy in my inbox. As I read the words, instantly I knew this was directly from God;

” I heard your words and saw the tears that accompanied the depth of your prayers. I heard you when you said you felt like you have died and you felt dead inside. I heard you when you said the pain inside felt overwhelming and you were exhausted. But I have seen your tears and heard your utter groanings from the deep pain from the place of brokenness you have lived through. I know your grief and feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I’ve seen your disappointment, hopelessness and the trauma that has taken root in your very being. I know your dreams have all died, your passions have died and I know you have not been able to dream again. But I know that the enemy has tried to beat you down. He knows you have a destiny and he feels threatened by it. I will move in swiftly and suddenly upon you not only to revive you but to resuscitate you and reset you. There have been those in your life that have turned against you, those who betrayed you, therefore I had to remove them for they were a hindrance to your destiny. People have talked about you and mocked you because they are full of the spirit of jealousy and they are blind to what’s coming, and to those who place their trust and faith in me I will renew their spirit and prepare their hearts. But those who mock my name and choose to believe that I do not exist, those are the very people who will wander the earth in total darkness, groping about without discernment and believing only those things that tickle their ears. My daughter I am giving you a breath of fresh air a breath of new life. You will live again and your tears of sorrow and brokenness and your tears that have been shackled to your inward death will turn to tears of joy. Go forth in My Light and live. Your tears have been stories that no one else would dare to live through but they will read about. But now, I am doing a new thing.”

At that very moment it was as if I was carried away. I saw darkness all around me. Pure darkness! There was nothing there, but I stood in that total blackness all alone. I could feel it. It felt like death. Finality. It felt like the darkness I’ve been living in the past four years. I saw no hope, and felt that feeling of utter despair I began to feel that death all over again. It felt familiar something I had become accustomed to feeling and therefore I didn’t bother giving those tears permission to fall. Suddenly, I heard sounds of rushing waters, like waves crashing all around me, then the sun broke through. It was pure gold and it didn’t hurt my eyes to look at it. It was rising quickly and the light emanating from it’s source shown on my surroundings and I found myself standing in the ocean. The blues and greens were stunning and the white foam swirling around my feet felt refreshing as never before. I felt waves wash over me filling me with hope and life. Instantly, I felt the presence of God. I knew in my spirit He was refreshing me with life, a new life. I felt surrounded in the spirit by a sense of transformation and a reviving fire. The death was being washed away and I felt tears bursts its banks but they were not tears of death, but tears of pure joy. For the first time in a very long time, I felt alive!

I looked upward, and the sky was dressed in the most beautiful colors I have ever seen. Bright and vivid, so many different hues and I felt myself wanting to fly high because the presence of God was washing over me, around me and through me. I raised my hands and began to give praise to our Father and then I heard the Lord speak into my spirit, ” it felt like the end to you, but its a New Birth! These trials and afflictions you have been passing through were to refine your character because you will need to be resolute for the days ahead. Everything you have been through will bring a rich fulfillment of My promises from within you. They have been sealed up to be released and birthed in my perfect timing. No matter what at this point forward, you will be victorious and will come out of everything unharmed. When you pass through those waters you know I am with you and you will not be burned when you go through the fire. Walk in Victory, walk in Triumph for the time is coming that those who have not believed in me and those who have believed and turned away will see the light in a whole new way and they will run to the light and be set free from the enemy’s shackles of darkness. Stand firm for I am doing a new thing and everyone will see…..”

Ode To Krampus

Some know of Krampus as the anthropomorphic beast in some enduring Eastern Alpine folklore who likes to scare children. I only know of the Krampus from the WarZone games my sons play who tries to kill people in the game. But my version of Krampus is the guy from my previous relationship who left me for another woman, and another woman, possibly another one in there too. Not much for commitment, but ace at browsing I should say. But I would love to send him a coloring page with a turtle on it explaining that three year old’s have trouble staying within the lines and maybe if he practiced coloring the turtle it would help him with his relationship skills of being faithful and loyal in a relationship and staying in those committed lines. He definitely has put a “Kramp” in my life.

I recently found out the love of my life was in a relationship without my knowing with another woman. Not only did I find out about her, but during this time he tried to convince yet another woman to move in with him. But because she has trust issues with men, she did not want to move too fast, but he tried to tell her in his most romantical way, he might be the guy to convince her to marry him. Needless to say, I became very sick to my stomach. Krampus had me blindly convinced he was not like other men who cheat on women. Yesterday, he threatened me with suicide saying, if I told the new woman in his life about “us” he would kill himself after sending out an email to everyone saying it was my fault. This did not go over very well with me. I did send him a hot-line number there in England for those who feel the need to end their lives and told him to get help. I then wrote a long email, a ” for the record” kind of email explaining my innocence for his sister and friends to see if he continued to threaten me with coercive control. This is clearly psychological and emotional abuse and in his little plan to take me emotionally hostage and try to force me to meet his demands revealed to me just how insane Krampus really is.

After several days of uncontrollable tears and a need to understand what happened and why, I feel relieved today that I am no longer his problem not that I was a problem to him, but I gave him ten years of my life, an entire decade and he threw it all away. Today, I shed no more tears and could care less who he is with or what he is doing with the one he is with. Instead, I am laughing at myself for the thoughts I’ve been thinking of him. Earlier, I took the garbage out to the bins and stared at the trash bag with a huge grin on my face. I said to the bag, “Krampus, this is you in the garbage bag, and this is me taking the garbage out, goodbye!” I know. I totally know you are thinking I’m the one who is insane and I would have to agree with you. After all, I have been to hell and back with everything he has put me through and I have every right to be coo coo for coa coa puffs right now. In fact, if I was in England right now, I would put a very nice, cordial note on his girlfriend’s car, only because he does not have a car, saying;

“Dear Krampus,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy life to interrupt mine with so much disruption. Really, you shouldn’t have you went way over and beyond your kindness to make sure my life was decorated with all those lovely, daunting memories I am now left with. It’s not like I have a heart or emotions and once again thank you so much for using your personal time to make my life harder. But when you screw around like a fool, you make people mad. When you make people mad, they write you notes and when they are writing you notes, they are wasting their time. When they waste their time, they get more mad or is it madder? Now they are doubting their grammar. Don’t make people doubt their grammar. Stop screwing around like a fool. You should really invest in ballet lessons and learn how to do those pump turns, you know, where the Ballerina dances around and around in circles, almost like she’s screwing herself into the floor. I mean that would seem to be right up your alley, the screw part anyway. You can thank me later for not going monster truck on the car. It’s not that nice of a car but those scratches down the side was a complete accident and I’m sure she is insured. Thank you so much for all the heartaches, lies and betrayals you have betrothed on me. Such a nice gesture and I’m forever scarred from your efforts to screw around like a fool. So please, don’t waste anymore time screwing around like a fool on your new love or she might get mad and when you make people mad they write notes and when they are writing notes, they are wasting their time. When they waste their time they get more mad or is it madder? You figure out the grammar part because making people doubt their grammar can be stressful and when people get stressed, they get mad and the cycle begins all over.
Sincerely,
Your ex fiance who doesn’t screw around like a fool.

I am tired now, and will go and have a hot tea and enjoy the rest of my evening wondering why poor ole frumpy Krampus, screwed around like a fool. If he was here, I would hand him a blank piece of paper and tell him, “so, you’re a cheater. Here, let me show you a list of people who still respect you.” I for one think it would be beyond deserving and acceptable. To all of you who have been cheated on, we all have that one thing in common, but that commonality would be against the law and land us in a nice padded cell or the jailhouse. Keep your cool and just write him or her a note.

Jane